Gundam Wing Crack Drabbles
by Loise
Summary: Drabbles that are mainly crack!fic! Shock, horror!
1. In Which Blush Is Applied

AN: This was written as a drabble request, and if you have seen the image of Trowa and Quatre is a school uniform looking like girls this was the twisted inspiration. However, the boys are still very much boys

* * *

"This is ridiculous," Trowa muttered, trying to get his legs closed with castrating himself. It was posing a more difficult problem than he expected.

Quatre was staring in a mirror, for some reason, applying blush. When Trowa turned to him, Quatre looked guiltily about and murmured, "I did have twenty nine sisters, they - "

"Yes, Quatre?"

It was at the stage that Quatre no longer needed blush. "They liked dressing me up. I was their human doll." He sighed, looking melodramatically at his knees.

Perhaps he should have felt sorry for the blond, but it was too damn funny. Trowa snickered. Quatre gave him a dirty look, and slowly raised three fingers. "Read between the lines, Trowa, read between the lines," he said carefully.

"I still don't see," Trowa started again, "Why it had to be Quatre and I. Wufei and Duo both have longer hair," he added, staring at the trouser clad legs of Wufei and Duo with a decidedly disturbing stare.

Wufei coughed and crossed his legs, feeling all too aware of his crotch. "You too look more feminine," he snapped. "It was vital for the mission to infiltrate an all girl's school, to protect Miss Relena..." He stopped, suddenly aware of what he had said.

There was a pause, a moment of silence as his comment was heard and taken in.

A snap of broken plastic was heard as Quatre broke the blusher with his hand, before whirling around from the mirror, in a half crouch, the jagged end of the blusher raised above his head.

"What did you say?"

Trowa stood up, and through he was momentarily impeded by the folds of his skirt, it was an impressive sight.

"Um..." Wufei, the excellent orator so eloquently espoused.

"Bastard," Quatre said, "It's the real men who can wear a skirt and be assured in their masculinity, than those that are still hung on gender roles."

"Plus," Trowa added, "You know not the pains of a wax."

Picking up a tube of lipstick, Quatre smirked, "I'm going to enjoy those group showers, Wufei, just for you." He sighed lustily, "Young, nubile girls..."

Wufei was suddenly aware of another reason to cross his legs.


	2. In Which Banisters Rule

This is utter crack. Be warned.

* * *

Trowa knew he shouldn't be doing this.

He stared down the stairs, eyes following the smooth, curved hand rail. It was begging him, he could feel it in his mind.

_Come on Trowa!_ It cried out, wantonly. _Try me! Slide me! Clamp your legs around me!_

His hand twitched towards it and he felt his feet moving towards it. Trowa went with the flow, succumbing to his desires.

Never mind he could break his neck, or any and every limb his body. Trowa paused stared down. Well, he considered, I've survived worse falls.

Of course that had involved a three month hospital stay.

_Take me!_ It seemed to taunt him. _Fast and hard as you can! If you can..._

A frown of determination crossed Trowa's face, strengthening his resolve. He must, nay, he had no choice but to slide down that banister! Nodding, Trowa took the final step forward.

It's sleek curves... Trowa moaned, running one hand down it. It was the most beautiful banister he had ever seen. He raised his leg, feelings the smooth wood rest against his thighs. It felt wonderful, it felt -

"What are you doing, Trowa?"

Shit. Trowa turned towards the voice. It was Quatre looking at him with some amusement.

"Er, hi, Quatre... This can be explained." He said in a rush.

"Really?" Said the school mate of Trowa's. Quatre stared.

Shifting, Trowa grinned weakly. "Yeah..." Time to tell lies! His mind yelled frantically. "I want to become an architect."

"An architect? I thought you despised technical drawing with a passion that burns like the gates of hell?" Quatre asked and Trowa suddenly remembered what he had said yesterday.

"That's true, I guess."

"So?" Quatre smiled and Trowa couldn't help but feel he was making fun of him.

"It's fun?" Maybe the truth would work, he thought.

Quatre looked serious for a moment before a huge grin lit up across his face. "It sure is! It's even better when you get someone to push!"

Suddenly Trowa was moving.

Falling.

Before he lost consciousness, he could have sworn the banister was laughing at him.

* * *

Quatre watched with horror as Trowa's body was launched off the banister and fell with a bone crunching crack on the ground. He winced, and then winced again, as he heard Trowa groan. 

Stepping forward, he started for the stairs, intent on helping his friend when something seemed to stop him. Quatre took a deep breath and slowly turned his gaze towards the smooth, sleek banister.

He gulped, his vision becoming focused on one object. It's graceful angles and lovely curves. It was a true vision of art. Quatre felt the desire to possess the banister.

_I'm yours_, it whispered, _wholly and truly yours. I've only ever been yours, Quatre._

It was delectable, and Quatre shuddered, his mouth half open in abject lust. He licked his lips, wondering what the banister would taste like.

Would it be sweet, like the curves were gentle? Would it be sour, like the harsh density?

_Come to me_, it cried.

His hands drawn to it, Quatre stumbled over to the banister, Trowa all but forgotten as he fell to his knees in worship. He placed one hand on it, thrummings of pleasure rocking his body.

"Oh," his head bent back, his eyes rolling in skull. "Yeah... like that you sweet hunk of wood. Oh, god - "

"Quatre?"

He slowly turned, his mouth agape. His father stood there, a briefcase in his hand. His face was confused as he looked upon his son, groping the banister.

"I was just going to work..." his father muttered, his eyes bulging as his mind tried to work this out. I could handle him being gay, Quatre's father reasoned, the pink shirts pointed assuredly in that direction, but a banister? It's not even an original! It's just a worthless reproduction! How could _my son _go so low?

"Um... my friend had an accident." Quatre murmured, suddenly remembering Trowa.

Walking over to where Quatre still knelt, his father merely nodded as the mess Trowa was making with his blood and turned to his son. "I'd better be off," he frownd, "And son..."

Trying to restrain his horror, fear, embarrassment and tightening trousers, Quatre weakly voiced, "Yeah?"

"Wipe the drool off your face, it does not befit a Winner."

Over come by such happiness, Quatre leaned forward and kissed the silky hard banister, before leaping over it. His legs connected with the wood, and he threw back his head, his pink lips wet.

"Take me slow, or fast..." He moaned, pushing himself off, for his first ride, "Take me slow, or fast, I'm yooooouuuuurrrrsss!" His cry escaped him as he lost grip and fell to the ground.

He stared at Trowa, wondering why he couldn't black out and then at the banister. Through Quatre could tell it was only a delusion, he knew the banister loved him and only him, he thought he saw it leer triumphantly above him.

His father blinked, then shrugged.


	3. In Which Cathy and Zechs Shack Up

A Flick of the Wrist

* * *

"You would never believe it..."

"What? What would I never believe?"

"I never thought that my sister would ever even consider dating him!"

"Cathy is dating who?"

"... I don't want to talk about it."

"Is it that cute acrobat? Wow, he can certainly bend and twist his body, no wonder she wants to date him! And did you see him in that skin tight costume? He'll make her very happy."

"... He's not cute. And no, it's no Fritz."

"Fritz? That's his name? Interesting... so, he's not dating anyone."

"Um... I - I think he's got a wife in Barcelona and six kids!"

"Oh, well... it's that stable hand with the great butt?"

"Michael does not have a great butt, I can prov - I know he doesn't. And no, Cathy doesn't like him. Apparently he smells like elephants and she despises elephants."

"So... he's gay?"

"... No! nonono. Straight as a ruler!"

"Pity. So who is she dating?"

"You will never believe it."

"I thought we had already been through this?"

"Zechs."

"Oh..."

"You know, Relena's brother."

"Of course I know, I fought a war against him."

"I just don't believe it."

"That I fought a war against him? You were there! Have all your memories really came back?"

"Yes! I just... can't believe that my sister is have se - a relationship with him. He tried to destroy the world!"

"Trowa... we know several people who have. Some of them are our friends."

"But... he wore that retarded mask! He has no fashion sense! What chance do their children have against the combined weight of Cathy's and Zechs's fashion sense?"

"I don't think that matters. It's not like she is pregnant."

"Right?"

"I'm going to be an uncle!"

"You sound depressed."

"I'm too young!"

"The kid will look up to you."

"Hmm... I suppose..."

"Zechs and Cathy..."

"Stop shaking your head."

"It's just surprising, that's all. I wish them best in the future."

"Yeah."

"At least their children will be pretty."

"That is true."

"Huh... Zechs and Cathy. Heh, Trowa, if those two can get together, people will think that we could get together!"

"... yeah... they could, couldn't they?"


	4. In Which Joys of Shopping Are Discovered

_The Joys of Shopping_

* * *

"Do you think he realises...?" Sally murmured to Noin.

Noin smirked, "If he did, I don't think he would be acting as is he." Noin eyes briefly left Wufei to meet Sally's. "It was very good of you to go shopping with him."

Sally shrugged. "What can I say? He seemed so desperate. The poor boy doesn't know a thing about shopping. It was my duty as a fellow Preventer to help him."

Both women then turned silent, willing to enjoy the sight of Wufei swimming with white speedos.

Then they started snickering, as Wufei bent over, the tiny scrap of transparent fabric revealing all.

"Pity we didn't bring a camera," Noin murmurs regretfully.

"Well..." Sally says.

They both grin.


End file.
